This Is Why I Want Pepper Spray

*WARNING: This post contains adult language and themes. Parents should use caution when reading this blog, as should right-wing fundamentalist Christians, and my mother.

So I'm going about my business today, taking a movie back to Blockbuster. (Lords of Dogtown. Unless you are a skater, don't bother.) I pull up just as a rather nice looking young African American man is leaving the store. I look up, and he is staring a hole through me. I give him the casual "Hi." smile.

Him: How, you doin'?

Me: Fine.

Him: What's goin' on?

Me: Too much, WAY too much. (Subtle hint, I don't have time for conversation.)

I go and put my movie in the return slot. When I turn back he's sitting in his car which is parked to the left of mine, still staring intently. I return to my car and he leans over.

Him: I was wondering if you might have any time to spend with me.

Me: No, sorry. I've got errands to run. (Thinking to self: This is going somewhere.)

Him: I was just thinking I could get some head.


OH, YES HE DID SAY THAT!

Me: ((Blllllllink!)) Ooh. Tempting. But...no. Thank you. (Delivered firmly and with a touch of sarcasm.)

I got back in my car and he drove off. Quickly.

All righty then. Now, I'm not a prude. I was, yes, when I was young and naive, but no longer. I fully realize that there are guys in this world who have the subtlety of a sledgehammer. But this COMPLETELY caught me off guard. Truly, I was expecting some sort of religious sales pitch, and was looking forward to giving him the "withering look". Boy, I was WAY off base.

(A quick note to all the men who may read this post: This guy's behavior is COMPLETELY inappropriate, even if the woman in question is hanging out on the corner wearing two band-aids, a cork, and six inch spike "f**k me" shoes. TRUST ME ON THIS: If you wouldn't say it in front of your mother, DON'T say it.)

I spent the next few minutes swimming in an emotional pool of shock and disbelief at this effrontery, amusement, and just a tinge of righteous indignation. But mostly I was wondering if my comeback had been snappy enough, or simply lame. So, I did what I normally do, I called the Former Husband, who is a FANTASTIC source for all things male.

His response when I told him what the guy said?

Mike: OOOOOOOOOHHHHH!

He assured me that my comeback had been sufficiently classy and not at all lame. And then supplied me with what could be some Top Secret male perspective. I'll not expound upon it here, but it does back up the "Men Are Pigs" mantra.

As most people tend to do, I spent a good deal of time dwelling on what would have been much better comebacks. Here's the short list:

The High School Virgin Comeback

EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

The Race Card Comeback

(smack the forehead)
Is it Proposition White Girls Day already?

(Hey, if he's going to sink to the lowest common denominator, then so am I!)

The Trailer Park Comeback

@#%& YOU!

Ah well, coulda shoulda woulda. I think I did okay. But BOY I was really wishing for some pepper spray.